let me help you

We're living in a different, post 9/11, world and we've had to adapt to different things like security measures that we've never had to endure before.  So let me give you a few tips to getting through the court house security that will help speed the process.

1.  We cannot allow lighters or matches or any other fire-starting equipment in the courtroom, including firecrackers.
2.  We cannot allow you to bring your illegal drugs into the courtroom, including the "prescription" you don't have in your prescription bottle, or the joint in your cigarette pack.
 3.  We also cannot allow you to bring in your shot glass, or your flask, or your Vodka bottle into the courtroom.
4.  In addition to #2, we cannot allow you to bring in your razor blades or hypodermic needles.
5.  All forms of weapons . . . not allowed, that includes box cutters folks.
6.  As to #3, it's best not to come under the influence of alcohol or any other intoxicant.  You tend to make errors in judgment such as shouting out "Shakespeare" or "all rise" or other nonsense things that get you escorted back out of the courtroom.  Also, falling asleep in the courtroom as a result of your intoxication can lead to falling off your seat and smacking your head. 
7.  Yes, the baby stroller has to be searched.  So does the diaper bag.
8.  That overnight bag you call a purse will be searched also.
9.  If you wear your pants in  current hip-hop fashion with your blingy metal-studded belt we may have to ask you to remove it because you are lighting up the metal detector like a fireworks display.  Please remember to hold on to your pants when we ask you to do that.  Your pants falling to the floor is not our responsibility.
 10.  Yes we have to ask you to remove your hat before going into the courtroom.  We realize this may lead to the exposure to a bad hair day, but it's for the safety of all; it also is the polite thing to do.

These may seem common sense to some of you, but as you can imagine, these are all real life scenarios I have shared with you today.  I love my job.  Wait until next season's parking wars start. . . then you're really going to hear some stories.

There are times when we just can't . . .let it be.